What Do I Do When My Child Has a Tantrum?

In the year 2025, with our increased understanding of brain development, many professionals are doing a disservice to parents by telling them to “just ignore” their child’s tantrums.

Ignoring may seem like the simplest answer; it seems to “work” in some instances. If you’re looking at a child’s behavior at the surface level, it may even make some sense. Ignore undesirable behavior and it will stop. Pay attention to it and it will continue.

But here’s the thing: It’s deeper than that. It’s not that simple. And, we are missing an amazing opportunity for connection and to support the development of new skills if we “just ignore” our children in their tough moments.

Now, there is of course, some nuance here. Sometimes, as parents, we have to step away to calm ourselves so we can return and better support our little ones. That’s not the same as “just ignoring.” And, there is also a line where we may provide too much stimulation during a tantrum, and we don’t want that either. When it comes to tantrums, we want to have an understanding of some of their underlying needs, their developmental capacities, and their nervous system so we can respond in a connected way.

One of the issues when it comes to tantrums, is that they are widely misunderstood. We often see them as acts of defiance, “bad” behavior, a choice to manipulate and control. In reality, tantrums are a normal and expected part of development. This comes straight out of the Handbook of Infant Mental Health (2018). Around 18-24 months (give or take, all children are different) we will see increased use of the word “no,” tantrums, and as children get closer to 24-36 months, more self-assertion and independent self-construct.

This is an important part of development, If we want our little ones to be independent, have high self-esteem, and to be able to assert themselves adults, they have to have a safe space to practice these skills throughout development first. What better place than the safety of the parent-child relationship!

In addition to these developmental tasks, little ones also have an under-developed pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for skills like: impulse control, mental flexibility, emotion regulation, etc.

So, in the toddler and pre-school years, we have little ones who are working to assert themselves and recognize their own goals apart from their parents, who are ALSO struggling with managing emotions, impulses, and being mentally flexible. Sounds like the perfect recipe for a tantrum, huh?

Now, with this in mind, what should you do when your little one experiences a tantrum? How can you respond in a way that takes their developmental capacities into consideration AND supports them in learning the skills we actually want them to learn (that are NOT taught in the process of ignoring)?

First step: Self-reflect and self-regulate.

Yes, it’s true. The first step starts with you. After all, how can you give your child something that you do not have yourself? Now, keep in mind that we aren’t looking for perfection here. You also do not need to go on a 3-day mindfulness retreat and learn any fancy techniques. This step may take 20-30 seconds in the heat of the moment, or, if you have support, maybe you step away for a couple minutes to do it, or, you may even do some of this AFTER the moment. When you self-reflect, you want to think about: What is going on with you? What does this feel like in your body? What kind of thoughts are you having? This will help you better connect to your experience, which will ultimately help you better connect with your child.

The other piece is your self-regulation. Your self-regulation is essential in helping your little on regulate. But, what does it even mean to regulate? It’s not as simple as “being calm.” Self-regulation actually means we are in control of our emotional state. Dysregulation means we are not in control of our emotional state.

Different methods work for different people. And, certain methods will be more effective based on which state of arousal your nervous system is in (hypo vs hyper). *This is discussed in depth in The Toddler Tantrums Course. You may use square breathing, do some tense and release exercises, repeat a mantra to yourself, count or do some grounding exercises, splash some cold water on your face, or something else!

Second step: Connect and co-regulate.

Once you get yourself to a “good enough” place to support your little one, this is where you connect with them and help them regulate in a process called co-regulation. Co-regulation means you are “regulating with.” This is necessary because your little one doesn’t yet have the skills developed to do this on their own. The connect and co-regulate process is kind of woven together. And, when I say connect, I don’t mean that you have to be holding your child in your arms. You can connect simply by bringing your calm presence in the room, remaining warm and non-judgmental, and focusing on your regulation. Yes, this means you can connect without even saying words. Some little ones find words to be too overstimulating during tantrums (or certain parts of their tantrums). We can co-regulate in many different ways, including: sitting near our little ones, holding them, rocking them, nursing them, dancing with them, singing to them, reading with them, rubbing their back, etc. It doesn’t have to be complicated; often times, less is more! Your regulation is the most important piece. When you are regulated and connecting with your little one, you are participating in co-regulation!

Third step: Acknowledge and accept feelings.

I should have mentioned this before, but these steps don’t necessarily happen in 1-2-3-4 order. Often times, they may happen simultaneously, and, you may go back and forth between a couple of them. Acknowledging and accepting feelings is all about connection and helping our little ones feel seen and heard. We may do this by simply remaining quiet, calm, and non-judgmental, or, we may say things like, “I know you’re mad. It’s really hard to not get things that we want.” Or, “ I hear you. You’re frustrated.” Follow your little one’s cues. If they don’t respond well to your words, it’s okay to be quiet and remain connected.

Fourth step: Boundaries if necessary.

We may have to set boundaries during tantrums, or before, and even after, for a variety of reasons. We may need to in order to keep our little ones, or others around them safe. We may set boundaries because we as parents don’t have the capacity to give them what they want (we’re tired or just don’t want to). We may set boundaries to keep structure in the home and keep the routine moving, and for a variety of other reasons! The important thing to do is to balance boundaries with emotional attunement, Meaning, we set the boundary, but acknowledge our little one’s emotional experience. This way they learn, I am seen and heard, and my grown-up is stepping up to keep me safe. This may sound like, “I understand that you’re mad, but you can’t hit your sister. We’re going to go sit over here together.”

Now of course, all of this is easier said than done. Why? Because we are parents come with our own unmet needs, dysregulation, stress, and history. These things can often become barriers when it comes to connecting with our little ones during tantrums.

This is why, if you are consistently struggling to support your little ones in their tantrums and remain connected and regulated, you may need to further reflect on your own unmet needs, your history and the role it may be playing, your support system, and your own dysregulation.

If you’re not sure where to start, or, you’re wanting a little more guidance on how to implement this in your daily life with your little ones, I got you! The Toddler Tantrums Course will help you understand your little one’s underlying needs so you can respond in a deeply connected way. You’ll also learn how to become more aware of and move through your own barriers when it comes to emotionally supporting your little ones.

Enroll and access the content in a couple minutes by clicking here!