How many tantrums a day is considered normal?
And is there a number that is considered to be “too many?”
I often get asked if there is a “normal number” of tantrums a toddler may have, and, if there is a specific number that indicates they are having “too many.”
With all things involving children and development, the answer isn’t just simple and straight-forward, and there are a variety of things to consider. And the truth is, there isn’t one, set answer that is going to work for all children across all contexts.
Some of the research related to this topic discusses the difficulty of eliciting aggressive responses from children in a lab setting, and actually showed a low percentage. "Direct clinical assessments are even more constrained for normal-abnormal distinction of this behavior as aggression is rarely observed under brief clinical or standardized conditions” Wakschlag, Henry, et al., 2012; Wakschlag et al., 2014). The other option is to collect data via parent reporting, but depending on this method of reporting isn't as reliable.
However, we at least do know that it is normal for young children to display tantrums to some extent in early childhood, and sometimes beyond. “Disruptive behavior is typically elicited as expression of normative misbehavior of early childhood in contexts such as at home, in times of transition, when under duress (tired, hungry, frustrated, sick), during daily routines, and when limits are set” (Wakschlag, Henry, et al., 2012; Wakschlag et al., 2014).
So, since researchers encounter barriers when trying to come up with a “normal” number, and, we know all children are going to be different anyways, what should we look at instead? Which factors should be considered, and what could be a red flag that there are too many tantrums occurring?
We first have to consider our child’s temperament and temperament traits. Are they easy-going? Highly sensitive? Intense? Slow-to-warm? Persistent? High energy? A child who is easy going may have fewer tantrums because they are able to be more flexible and generally have a more stable mood. A child who is highly sensitive may have a more intense response to certain types of stimulation, stressors, changes in routine, etc, and therefore may have more tantrums. When we consider the context of a child’s temperament, both of these are normal, although they may look different from one another. *We talk more in-depth about temperament and the role it plays in tantrums in the Toddler Tantrums Course.
We also have to consider a child’s environment and any big transitions or changes that have recently occurred. This can include a recent move, starting a new school or childcare, a new baby sibling, the loss of a family member or pet, a big schedule/routine change, etc. If your child went from having 1-2 tantrums a day, and you just moved and welcomed a baby home, and they are now having 4-5 a day, that can be normal considering the context.
It’s also important to be aware of any stressors, especially long-term, chronic stressors. It’s normal to have bits of stress each day; it’s part of life! However, if there is ongoing tension in the co-parenting relationship, financial stress, and family loss affecting the caregivers and the overall family dynamic, a child may pick up on this stress and there may be an increase in tantrums. Little ones look to their caregivers to understand if they are safe or in danger, so, if their caregivers are stressed and anxious, the child may take that as a cue that they should be worried too. This can lead to dysregulation which may be expressed through tantrum behavior.
We also have to look at the child’s developmental context. We know that tantrums start to appear around 12-18 months of age (and even before). They then become more evident and frequent between 18-24 months of age, and they may peak and become more intense around 24-36 months of age. “Non-compliant behaviors” increase from toddler to preschool age (2-3 years) which reflects their development of independence. So, if your child has just turned 2 or 3 and you’re noticing an increase in tantrums, it makes sense in their developmental context. Your child is practicing important skills like independence and self-assertion, and therefore displaying an increase of telling you “no,” and pushing against boundaries with tantrums. It’s also important to consider a child’s neurological differences and developmental delays that may lead to more tantrums. A child’s behavior is their most effective form of communication, so if they struggle communicating verbally, for example, you may see more intense tantrum behaviors.
When I teach parents about this topic, instead of focusing on the number of tantrums to determine if it’s within a “normal range,” I ask them to think about this:
How do you feel you are doing with responding to and managing your child’s behavior? One parent may be perfectly fine supporting a child with 10 tantrums a day, while another may feel lost with their child who has 3 tantrums a day. The number isn’t as important as how the caregiver is doing and if they need more support and/or more information and understanding.
Has there been a sudden increase with no contextual explanation? This ties in with what we have discussed above. Have we looked at the context, and does the change make sense within this context? This includes: developmental stage, recent changes, stressors, etc. If there are no contextual clues, we may need to look deeper and connect with supports.
Are the child’s tantrums disrupting activities that the child normally enjoys? It’s normal for toddlers to have tantrums during fun activities, but, are they becoming so dysregulated that they regularly aren’t able to enjoy low-demand, playful activities?
Is their behavior disrupting their participation and learning at school? We would certainly want to partner with their school team to figure out how to support them better.
This may be more rare, but if there is an increase in tantrums and there are no contextual explanations, we want to make sure there isn’t any pain or underlying medical conditions or needs playing a role.
Overall, it’s more important to get familiar with your normal.
Get to know your child, their temperament, their needs, their behavior patterns, and figure out what is normal for them. Figure out the baseline.
Then, when you recognize big or sudden changes, you can tune into that and consider context to see if there may be something else going on.
If you’re looking for a guide to help you do this, I’ve got you! The best-selling Toddler Tantrums Courseis your time-out alternative that is ignoring-free! Yes, this tantrum approach prioritizes connection so you can be sure you are supporting your child’s attachment and developmental needs.
*If you would like more information, please click here.
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