What’s the Deal with Attachment Parenting?

Attachment has become somewhat of a buzzword in the parenting space on social media, but there is still a lot of confusion on what it really entails. Does it mean that you never let your child out of your sight? Does it mean you never make a mistake? Does it mean you only co-sleep and baby-wear? Does it mean you never set boundaries and your children rule the household? Does it mean the same thing as gentle parenting? Respectful parenting? Responsive parenting? Or whatever they are calling it these days. Newsflash, it really doesn’t mean any of these things.

Now, I’m going to make things more confusing for one second before I help make them less confusing. Are you ready? 3…2…1…

attachment parenting is different than attachment theory.

I know, what?! So when you see someone referring to “attachment” online, it may not be clear which method they are subscribing to. Only one is rooted in decades of research, and that is attachment theory. Let’s tear through the confusion, get straight to-the-point, and talk about what these both mean.

I’ll admit, I have a little beef with the attachment parenting movement. Not because there is anything wrong with it. What it entails are actually all great things to practice with your children. My beef is with prescriptive aspect of it; the idea that there is a list of things you can do to lead your child to attachment security. Attachment parenting was developed by Dr. William and Martha Sears (with what I believe were good intentions to help parents). Attachment parenting focuses on “The 7 B’s.” These include: birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby wearing, bedding close to baby, belief in the value of your baby’s cries, beware of baby trainers, and balance.  Now you’ll see, none of those things are *bad* things; you will see me speak positively about many of these things in the Babies and Brains community. The problems I have are: 1) These things aren’t rooted in the decades of attachment research. 2) They aren’t proven to promote a secure attachment. 3) Not every parent can do everything on this list, but this doesn’t mean that they can’t promote security in their children. On their website, you’ll see that even they say that attachment parenting is an approach, not a strict set of rules. They even say that these are “tools” rather than “steps” that need to get done. That’s great and all, but I personally think that by naming their approach “Attachment Parenting” it is causing confusion. The idea that it isn’t a set of steps that need to be followed, doesn’t seem to be translating to parents, and for some, it brings up anxiety. I’ll add more thoughts to this in a minute. 

Attachment theory, on the other hand, is rooted in decades of research. In the 1930’s, John Bowlby, an English psychiatrist, began observing children in his care and noticing the impact of disrupted or absent caregiving. In the 1950’s, Mary Ainsworth joined Bowlby in his research and began observing the relational patterns of children in a procedure known as the Strange Situation. This procedure involves a series of separations and reunions, the introduction of a stranger, and the observation of a researcher, to look at certain patterns of interaction between the parent and child being studied. As you can see, attachment theory has the science behind it. 

So what does attachment theory say is necessary for security compared to the 7 B’s of attachment parenting? Well, attachment security doesn’t require a to-do list of things you will check off and complete. Even though it doesn’t involve a list, here is what we primarily look at when we see a caregiver who is nurturing attachment security in their child:

-A caregiver who supports their child’s exploration, where the child can learn, develop, and interact with their world

-A caregiver who responds to their child’s need for closeness and provides them with comfort and protection

-A caregiver who supports their child in their emotional experiences and provides unconditional love.

-A caregiver who sets appropriate boundaries to ensure their child’s physical and emotional safety.

This list is obviously a little more nuanced, and that’s why I think there is an attraction to the idea of attachment parenting instead. It seems easier, more straight-forward, but again, it isn’t rooted in science and practicing those things does not guarantee your child attachment security.

Returning to my previous point, although the attachment parenting ideas seem easier to grasp, they bring up a lot of worry in parents who cannot do all of those things. For instance, a parent who cannot or chooses not breastfeed may already experience some guilt and shame, and then, when they see this as one of the 7 B’s, they may fear that they also cannot support attachment security in their child. The thing is, you can support attachment security without breastfeeding, and on the flip side, you can breastfeed and not necessarily be nurturing security in your child. For example, you can breastfeed, but not respond to your child’s emotions with warm, loving support. See how that would not be supportive of attachment security?

This is why I have beef with the naming and idea of attachment parenting.

Again, I do not believe this method was developed with ill intent; it is my hope that it wasn’t developed to be purposefully confusing, but the reality is, it is. It leads parents to believe that if they breastfeed, co-sleep, and baby-wear, they are supporting their child’s attachment. It’s just not that easy. We need to focus on the relationship, the connection, the emotional attunement. We need to focus less on WHAT we are doing, and focus more on HOW we are in relationship with our children. 

In my free Attachment Guide, I break down some practices that can help you nurture your child’s attachment security. But again, there is no prescription for attachment security. You cannot check items off of a list and consider the goal achieved. These ideas are there to help you tune into your child and build connection with them, which you will nurture for your lifetime. Attachment security is not a destination that you reach; it is a journey.