How to Repair After Sleep Training

I am often asked by people who sleep trained in the past, “How do I repair with my child?! I didn’t know there were other options, and now I feel horrible about it.”

First, I want to say that I hold no judgment towards parents who chose to sleep train. I believe that parents are most likely doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools that they have access to.

I do, however, have a lot of problems with the industry as a whole. The industry is guilty of predatory marketing, full of misinformation, and using one-size-fits-all approaches that cannot possible fit the needs of every child and family. I could go on all day about the problems with the industry, but this post is about repair. So, whether you sleep trained and feel bad about, or, you sleep trained and believe it was the best choice for your family, you can still repair.

In the context of attachment, the word “repair” doesn’t imply definite harm. Repair is used when we experience misattunement with our little ones. Attunement is our ability to be aware of and understand our child’s needs and respond to them; it’s our ability to see and understand their inner world and connect with them there. It’s participating in those serve and return interactions (child cues, caregiver responds).

Therefore, misattunement is when we aren’t aware of or understanding of our child’s needs, we miss their cues either unintentionally or intentionally, and we do not respond with empathy and understanding. This can happen because we ourselves are overwhelmed with our unmet needs, we don’t understand our child’s cues and/or needs, or because we are following behavioral programs that ask us to misattune for the sake of modifying behavior.

So, why is sleep training considered a misattunement?

Regardless of our personal feelings about sleep training, it’s important to acknowledge that it often requires some level of misattunement. Yes, even in what those call “gentle sleep training.”

For example, if our child cries out and desires to be picked up, but we instead leave them in the crib and pat them, yes, we are technically still responding and physically present, but this is still an instance of misattunement. We may know deep down that they need to be picked up, but instead we are patting them, possibly working against our own instincts and their needs.

Of course, sometimes we as parents need a break to regulate, or physically cannot pick up our children. Misattunement happens naturally in day-to-day life. It would be impossible to have 100% attunement, 24/7, 365 days a year. As previously stated, it doesn’t always mean definite harm. But it is important to be aware of it, because if we aren’t aware, and there we do not repair, and this misattunement becomes ingrained in our relational patterns, then there is risk for it to have impact on the relationship.

Here are some important things to know before we dive into the repair process:

You can repair no matter what age your child is. Yes, even if they are a 2-month-old infant. Although infants may not understand our spoken words, they feel our emotional tone. Therefore, if we have a moment of misattunement, and then we work to warmly repair and connect with them, they feel that connection, and it benefits them.
You can repair whether the misasstunement happened yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, or years ago (it’s ideal to do it as soon as possible, but it’s still valuable to do it even if it’s later). Even if your child doesn’t remember, the warm connection you establish with them in the moment of repair is beneficial and impactful.
You can repair whether the misattunement was intentional or unintentional. As previously stated, unintentional moments of misattunement happen in day-to-day life. We may raise our voice, or miss our child’s bid for connection because we are on a work call. We can still acknowledge their experience and connect with them after. And although I do not recommend intentionally misattuning, if you make the decision to use a program because you felt it was a good fit for your family’s needs, please know that it is still important to practice the process of repair.

So, how do we repair?

First, recognize that a moment of misattunement happened.

This is why it is important not to just dismiss our misattunement, even if it seems like it was “just a few moments,” “just 7 days out of a year,” “just 3 hours of crying,” and even if acknowledging it makes us uncomfortable. If we do not acknowledge it, we miss our opportunity to repair. This is why this is the first step. Reflect and consider:

Was I truly responding to my child’s needs?
Did I feel connected to my child in that moment?
What did my child need from me?
Was my tone and response supportive or unsupportive?
Is this how I would like to continue responding to my child?
What does my child’s response in that moment tell me?
How would I feel if I were responded to this way?

Second, reflect on what went on for you in that moment.

It is important to consider what went on for your during the misattunement for multiple reasons:

If you understand your unmet needs, your motivations, your triggers, etc, that lead to your respond to your child, you can better understand how to make changes around these patterns.
The better you understand yourself, the better you can understand and connect with your child.

Reflect and consider:

What did I feel in my body when I was sleep training my child?
What thoughts was I having while sleep training my child?
Which unmet needs did I have that led me to sleep train my child?
Do I have tools or supports in place to help meet my unmet needs?

Third, regulate yourself first.

It can be difficult to truly connect and repair with our children if we have not reflected and regulated first. If we force repair before we are ready, we run the risk of continuing to misattune, dysregulating our child, blaming our child for what happened, or focusing on our own guilt and begging for forgiveness. Therefore, it is important to reflect and regulate first, so that you can connect with yourself and then better connect with your child.

As far as regulation goes, everyone has different tools that work for them. You can try: deep breathing, stretching or moving your body, drinking a cold glass of water or splashing water on your face, grounding yourself by shifting your attention to your surroundings, or anything else that you find calming.

Fourth, help your child regulate and reconnect with them.

If your child is dysregulated when you are attempting to approach for repair after sleep training, forcing repair and using too many words may be a continued misattunement. If your child is dysregulated, focus on co-regulation first. You can co-regulate by:

Maintaining your own calm and providing a calm presence
Deep breathing near your child
Using a soft, warm tone
Using validating language (I know, I hear you), or, if your child does better with no words, remaining silent and calm
Changing scenery by moving to another room with your child
Holding your child, rubbing their back, sitting on the floor with them, rocking with them, etc

Reconnect with your child by:

Establishing proximity (getting close)
Acknowledging what happened
- “I didn’t pick you up when you cried. I know that must have been hard.”
- “When you were a baby, I waited to pick you up when you were crying. I thought I was helping you, but I realized I was not.”
Owning your part and apologizing
- “Even though I felt overwhelmed/thought what I was doing was helpful, you must have felt scared/overwhelmed/alone. It is my job to respond to you and keep you safe. I am sorry.”
- “It isn’t your fault that I didn’t come when you cried. I am sorry I didn’t pick you up when you needed me to.”
Hearing their feelings without judgment (if your child is verbal)
- “I know. I hear you. I can understand why you feel that way.”
Talking about how you will do differently next time and work to change your behavior
- “I know that your cries mean that you need me. I will try my best to respond when you cry. Your needs are important to me.”
- If you are continuing to sleep train, this part will be contradictory as you will not be changing your behavior. It is still important to follow the other steps and acknowledge your child’s experience.
Working to intentionally connect with and attune to your child
- If you recently misattuned due to sleep training, or are still sleep training, try to be really intentional with your connection in other moments of the day. Be mindful of your self-regulation needs so that you can be ore present with your child.

If you found this insight helpful, I will be giving you more parenting tools and insight that help you support your child’s attachment security in my Parenting Through Attachment course. Find more info here.